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Chris’s Dad died. A man who has been a massive part of my life for the past couple of years, and who had a very special bond with Chris and the boys. I think we made his last couple of years happy – we looked after him, we fed him, we washed his clothes, cleaned, and took him to his appointments – but more importantly we were just there, to take the mick, to remind him not to whistle at the dinner table !! to tell him he had to turn down the volume on his brass band CD because you could hear it at the end of the street, and to listen to his stories, of which there were many :-)) he lived a great life and was a great guy.

He passed away in Ninewells after a very short illness – it was a shock – we expected him to be with us for a bit longer.

Organising and doing the practical stuff aswell as dealing with the emotional side of it all is physically, emotionally and mentally tough. I’ve been trying to cope with this in the only way I know how, by going out running !! but have ended up really tired, but at the same time, not able to sleep. The day after the funeral I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, like a massive hangover (without the alcohol).

Feeling a bit better today though.

On one of my runs last week I ran past my Dads grave and had my customary little ‘chat’ with him – I told him how sad we all were and even with all the Christmas trees and lights, music and events all around, there was no Christmas spirit. We couldn’t even face getting the decorations out, far less put up a tree. So he ‘told’ me to go up to Mums and get one of his favourite Christmas decorations to help cheer us up !! (Yeah I know this is all in my mind hahah!!). My Dad absolutely loved Christmas, and considering he was a big, rugby playing engineer and typical man !? he had a surprising (and endearing) fondness for Christmas sparkle and fairy lights :-)). He got a fibre optic Christmas tree for is 50th birthday, which stopped working properly when he died, but Mum always puts it up. It is however, possessed (I know ….. hahah!!) one year it randomly started working again, the next year the colours stopped working, one year it made strange noises !! honestly its possessed hahaah we love it :-))) anyhoooo…I managed to persuade Mum to let me have it AND I have managed to get it working – it is still possessed – it makes strange noises and it moves lol (I know its the spinning colour disc in the base – but thats boring :-))) anyway – it has helped to cheer us up 🙂

The funeral was terribly sad but also wonderful. We were really grateful to everyone who came along, and we had so many lovely messages from those that couldn’t. We’ll miss him.

Next week, back to reality, back to work, and I have a mammogram and a meeting with the breast care team. Oh jeeeez – keep your fingers crossed for me !!!

I’ve been missing the sessions at the Maggie centre, but the group have been keeping in touch which is really nice and its good to have an extra bit of support :-))

I have also been in the kitchen – it also helps to cheer me (us ?) up – cookie dough trifle – oh my !! probably the reason I’ve put on weight haha, and also peanut butter and chocolate banana bread – its pretty good too :-)))

So…one week till Christmas…totally unprepared and not yet in the spirit…..but I am appreciating having everyone here and am feeling the love xxx